Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Moving Day

Go here.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

How I voted. (filled out the wifes and mailed it in too)

Anyway, here's how to vote in Florida if you're not a nincompoop.
Bush/Cheney X
I have no idea how all these extra dorks got on the ballot, or even who the F they are. Fla. is a screwed up place to be sure, but the ballot shouldn't look like a high school class roster. Easiest choice I've ever made, like "should I continue breathing?"
Martinez (R) X
Castor (D)
Bradley (V)?
Just Because. He's sort-of a gun rights supporter.
Miller (R) X
Coutu (D)
Evers (R) X
I still may write myself in here.
JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT (Judge votes are all straight up yes or no votes)
JUSTICE KENNETH B. BELL (Y) A P'Cola native with a good record. I think he likes guns too.
Born in Spain. Roman numerals after his last name. An 84% approval rating by Fla. Bar Assoc. lawyers. Should be impeached, stripped (of US citizenship) and deported as an example to Spain of what constitutes 21st century machismo.
3 Years in the US Air Force. The one of the bunch least likely to be caught sporting a butt-plug at a Telletubbies festival.
If you can't find anything that the guy has done, shitcan.
See above. Shitcan.
Allowed a seat on the Judiciary Integrity Commitee to go empty because of his own vacancy. You gotta show up for work to get "cred" with Smokin. Nothing personal just cleaning house.
92% of Fla. Lawyers like this guy. That's enough for me. S.H.I.T.C.A.N.

Well, that's who to vote for in Fla. 1st district unless you're a worthless, shifty, smelly hippie. If you dissagree, send the e-mail to Nikoms@ec.rr.URADUMASS and recieve the automatic jpeg of me giving you the finger.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


On the Fox channel.
I've tried, I really have.
I swear to you this oath, I will crap in my own pants in order to be kicked out of the room and not have to watch/see/hear it again.

Discuss in the comments, I'll pay close attention.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

My MiniMe
My MiniMe

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Almost there..

This execise I'm working on is almost to execution-phase. That means my activity changes from exercise planning and design to playing cruise director and wet nursing 24/7. A veritable crescendo of of stupidity, ignorance and tedium. Make sure flys are zipped and noses are wiped before someone stands up in front of a three-star. Life as Master of the Skies has come to this. "Mama, don't let yer babies grow up to be Marine Tanker Pilots..."

Friday, September 03, 2004

For Mike and Tammi

Talk about priceless...

Wednesday Night: Zell Miller appears as the harbinger of death and delivers an "Atomic Drop" to the entire Democratic Party. All of them. The carnage is so complete that Dick Cheney pulls his punches. The heat never leaves the leather. Can't do it. Anymore Dem blood on the floor and Libs were going to scream "War Crimes!", "Atrocities!". Dick the "Baby Eater" Cheney had to content himself with some light mopping with Kerry and Edwards. The smile on his face indicated he didn't want to use his A game. He was also probably too distracted by savoring the delicious evisceration he had just witnessed.

Thursday Night: W delivers a solid, but not stellar, plan for America's future under his guidance. I like it. What I like more is that every Dem weirdo is too busy licking their own balls from Miller's beating the night before to do anything about it.

Friday. The Democratic "swirley" of 2004. Karl Rove says Kerry is a WEAK politician.
To paraphrase: It's not his campaign staff, they're the best money can buy, they're smart, tough and mean. It's him. He's the problem.
The best in the business can't help him.
My first choice of visual to go along with this statement is a short mental MPEG in which Rove backhands Kerry in the mouth, takes his lunch money, then shoves him into a high school locker, TrunkMonkey style.
Later, the US Navy announces it is going to open an official investigation into Kerry's Silver Star award. (The Silver Star is the Navy's Second highest combat award under the CMH. You don't fuck with that.) I imagine Kerry thinking "Oh good, lawyers. Poeple I can talk to." Wrong again Mr Fancy Pantloons. These are US Navy lawyers. They're born like the aliens in the movie, uh, Aliens. If they find out you missed a day of first grade and didn't properly document it, they're going to open you up like a mullet. If they find something serious enough, JFK could be looking in his closet for old uniforms to wear at his UCMJ hearing. If he hasn't burned them. Automatic goodbye to presidential aspirations if you're a FELON.
Is it any wonder, that at 1300 today, democratic show dog Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains? Yeah, no shit. If I was watching my lifes work swirl down the shitter, I'd have chest pains too. Do you remember Rodney Dangerfield's line in Caddyshack? OOOH! OOOH! My arm! I think it's broken!

Not that I wish bad health on anyone(I pay a Voodoo lady to do that for me) Sweet merciful crap! Who is calling the plays here? This is comedy genius. If this guy wrote for "Friends" they'd still be on the air, probably live too. In my own sensitive new age cat kind of way, I want to help out. So, I'm going to offer up a few Pre-mixed democratic press releases for over the Labor Day Weekend.

Friday night: Terry McAwfull appears on Hannity and Colmes. In the first 30 seconds he experiences a nasty Tourettes episode, during which, he swallows his own tongue.

Saturday: Maureen Dowd joins a PETA crowd to lead an animal cruelty protest at the NYC Zoo. Peaceful discourse turns ugly when PETA happens upon a group of North American Big Game Hunters on vacation. (not a chance happening, I call the Hunters) A melee ensues. Our sweet Maureen finds herself shoved over the edge of the venue into the Mountain Gorilla exhibit, where she is promptly sodomized by the Zoo's 600lb Silverback, named Humongous. The 14 minute video clip hits the internet and draws more hits than "Hello Kitty". Micheal Jackson subsequently buys Humongous for 13 million dollars. The two become inseperable, then disappear permanently from public life.

Sunday: Al Gore, touting the benefits of his invention(child), the internet, in front of a 3rd grade class of potential hippies in training, stumbles across the official NRA website, and bursts into a 760 ft fireball. Tenn. Govenor declares a new state holiday: "Knoxville 5th".

Late Sunday: In a horrible bathrooom accident, JF Kerry, while practicing talking out of both sides of his mouth in front of the French Vanity mirror, slips on a bar of French milled Soap, falls, and strikes his cranium on the edge of TerrAYza's reproduction french colonial cast iron bathtub. The accident leaves Kerry horribly disfigured. A 3 inch wide swath of hair, skin and bone is removed from his skull from the edge of his forhead, to the back of his head. Some sort of unholy reverse mohawk. Doctors implant a chrome skull plate to protect his "brain" during the healing process. By Monday afternoon, Glenn Reynold's site has over 6.54 billion entries on the "uncanny" resemblance between John Kerry and the freaky 007 guy. Indeed. Campaign over, the Kerry family (minus TerrAYza and 6 Billion dollars) permanently relocates to the only place where John Kerry can legally pass a credit check on his own, the Bikini Atoll.

Monday: Did Someone say "Campaign Over"?!! Hillary Clinton sprints out of James Carvelle's arms (where he was a hotdog in a hallway anyway) straight up the steps of the FEC building, waving her newly notarized Candidacy Paperwork, freshly signed in Satan's own blood. She trips over one of the numerous Washington homeless and falls down all 762 solid granite steps, and at the bottom, spontaneously misscarries a baby Orc.

The ghost of Reagan looks down and grins.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

I'll have my cigarette now.

Man, that was really satisfying watching Zell Miller "Riverdance" on the collective Democratic nut-bag for 16 minutes straight! God how they deserved that!